Confessions From A Mother's Heart

No one ever told me about the crushing pain you experience when your child, particularly your grown child, breaks your heart.  Maybe people keep that to themselves so you won’t be sworn off the whole idea of becoming a parent.  If we looked into the future and saw the heartache and disappointment there, would we be so willing to procreate?  I realize this sounds cynical, even bleak, and I promise you this is not my natural tendency.  I am usually a very positive, cheerful person.  At this particular point in time, however, I am struggling with the attitudes and actions of my adult child.  

I knew nothing of these struggles when I realized I was going to have a child.  I had not had time to think too long on the subject before I found out I was going to have a baby.  My husband and I had not been married 4 months when I became pregnant after a moment of New Year’s Eve spontaneity.  Prior to this, when people asked me when we would start a family, I had always jokingly replied, “Not less than a year, not more than 3!”  When we discovered we were expecting, I laughed, thinking God had played an amusing little joke on me, as if to let me know He had His own timetable I had never bothered to consult!  I didn’t mind, though.  I was thrilled by the idea of having a baby.  I had a great pregnancy.  I never got sick, not once.  I was merely nauseous for one day and that was it.  I did have 16 hours of back labor, but the pain was completely gone once he was born, so I could hardly be upset by such a little thing as that.  And he was gorgeous!  He was such a healthy, beautiful baby boy.

As my beautiful boy grew, so did my love for him.  It was amazing, that love, it was so instant.  Even before he was born, I loved him.  I loved the idea of him growing in my body, but that love was nothing compared to the love I felt for him when I saw him for the first time.   It was so deep and fierce and protective, and it grew as he did.  My husband and I took him everywhere in the beginning.  I didn’t want to be separated from him.  What an amazing capacity to love God gives us.  It is just a small taste of the love He has for us. 

The love God has for us is all-encompassing.  He knew and loved us before we were born, as well.  The difference is that God’s love for us was at it’s apex from the moment He created mankind.  He already knew what he would have to do to keep us with Him, to keep us from being eternally separated from Him because of sin.  He would have to give up His own son to make a way.  That is beyond my comprehension.  I think it is so hard to understand because I could not imagine ever having to give up my only son.  

Giving up my son is exactly what I have had to do, in a manner of speaking.  I have given him to the Lord many times throughout his 24+ years.  Happily, at first, when he was dedicated to the Lord shortly after his birth.  The next time I can recall giving him to the Lord was during a meeting at church quite a few years ago.  I had the distinct feeling that God was asking me for my son.  I remember raising my arms as if I was handing him up to God.  I heard Him ask me again to give Him my son, but this time He added, “as Abraham gave Isaac”.  I put down my arms and cried out, “No!”.  After some time, however, I realized that my son was safer with the Lord than anywhere else, and if Abraham could trust God to provide, or to raise up his son, so could I, so I said yes to the Lord and raised my arms to Him again.  Little did I know what that action would come to mean until now.  I haven’t thought of that in a long time.  Recent events brought it to mind as I began to write this.  As my son entered adolescence and began to question the existence of God, as he walked away from God and began to make some very bad decisions, I had to regularly put him in God’s hands.  Most recently, it has been a weekly, if not daily, exercise of mine to release my son into the hands of our merciful God.  I have asked Him to “do whatever it takes” to remove the blindfold the enemy has placed over my son’s eyes, to open my son’s eyes to the truth, to reveal God’s constant love for my son, to protect my son from the work of the enemy while God pursues him, and to restore my son to a right relationship with God. 

A relationship with God is the best thing for my son, no matter what it takes for God to persuade him of this.  I am standing in faith that this horrible tear in the fabric of our family will one day be mended.  I have to believe that God will safeguard my son and bring good out of all of this pain and sorrow.  I have to remind myself that God gave up so much more than I ever could to see him restored.  I am leaning into Jesus and the peace He provides to get through each day.  I am putting my hope in my faithful God, however, not my son.  Come what may, I know hope in God will not disappoint.